shepherding a child's heart - foundation 7

it's that time again and this one is long. again this is all from sheperding a child's heart by tedd tripp. i am basically copying my sunday school teacher's notes and excerpts from the book verbatim. scriptures will be in yellow and my thoughts and comments will be in green. there's a lot to cover so this will broken down into two parts. this is the first part: communication. the second part will be about the rod. my sunday school teacher thinks there is a little danger in this book because of the order in which he teaches the two biblical methods: communication and then the rod. the rod typically comes first when raising children and then communication. he is not sure why communication is discussed first.


foundation #7: embracing biblical methods: communication: part 1

a biblical approach to children involves two elements that you weave together. one element is rich, full communication. the other is the rod. in the book of proverbs we find these two methods side by side.

Proverbs 23:13-19
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death. My son, if your heart is wise, then my heart will be glad; my inmost being will rejoice when you lips speak what is right. Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.
Listen, my son, and be wise, and keep your heart on the right path.

Proverbs 23:22
Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.

Proverbs 23:26
My son, give me your heart and let your eyes keep to my ways....

Proverbs 18:2, 13 (parents are guilty of both of these)
A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.
He who answers before listening that is his folly and his shame.

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard you heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

the finest art of communication is not learning how to express your thoughts. it is learning how to draw out the thoughts of another. your objective in communication must be to understand your child, not simply to have your child understand you. many parents never learn these skills. they never discover how to help their children articulate their thoughts and feelings. this is hard for me to do. i know i often am trying to get my point across. i am trying to get my kids to understand what i'm try say. sometimes i just expect obedience without any input from them, and sometimes i should get that but perhaps that should not be the norm.

when a misbehavior or disobedience occurs, what is important in the correction process is not venting your anger, frustration, or feelings, rather, it is understanding the nature of the struggle that your child is having. you need to understand not just what has happened, but what is going on within your child. remember, it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks. your questions in correction is this:

what is the content of the abundance of the heart in this circumstance?
what is the temptation?
what was his response to his temptation?
what was he trying to accomplish?

you must get beneath the behavior and understand the child's motivation in the situation.

Matthew 15:18-19
But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean'.For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.

Proverbs 20:5
The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.

rather than "why did you....?" ask some of the following questions:

what were you feeling when you hit your sister?
what did your sister do to make you mad?
help me understand how hitting her seemed to make things better.
what was the problem with what she was doing to you? (perhaps he was sinned against. let him tell you about it.)
in what other ways could you have responded?
how do you think your response reflected trust or lack of trust in God's ability to care for and protect you?

as your child answers these questions, you role is to help him understand himself and speak with clarity and honesty about his internal struggles with sin.

there are four issues you must walk him through:

1. the nature of temptation
2. the possible responses to this temptation
3. the motives for those responses
4. the sinful response he chose

in this process you stand both above him and beside him. you are above him because God has called you to a role of discipline and correction. you are beside him because you, too, are a sinner who struggles with anger toward others. oh i love this!

parents tend to do one or the other. some stand in such solidarity with the child in his failure (asking, "How can i correct him when i do the same things?) that they fail to correct. other stand so much above that they are hypocritically distanced from their children. you must remember that you engage your children in this manner as God's agent. you, therefore, have the right and obligation to censure evil. you do so as a sinner who is beside them and able to understand the way sin works in the human heart.


foundation #7: embracing biblical methods: communication: part 2 - types of communication

we often reduce parenting to these three elements:

1) rules
2) correction
3) discipline/punishment

you give your children the rules. the correction phase comes into play when they break the rules. in the punishment phase you announce the consequence they will receive for breaking the rules. i stop here so many times. during the process of teaching my child - i stop here too many times. it may be because of time, laziness, or ignorance (although i can't claim that anymore). this may result in children who obey but what does their heart look like?

this part of the the book discusses the rich dimension of communication that must lie beneath and support all you say in providing rules. it should look like this:

1) rules
2) correction
3) discipline/punishment
________________
4) encouragement
5) correction
6) rebuke
7) entreaty
8) instruction
9) warning
10) teaching
11) prayer

paul in 1 thessalonians tell us differing conditions in the hearer require differing forms of speaking.

1 Thessalonians 5:14
Warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

you do great harm when you fail to discern what type of communication is appropriate to the moment.

1. rules - "don't play in the street." you state the expectation.

2. correction strong's - "straighten out"

webster 1828 - to bring back or attempt to bring back to propriety in morals; to punish for faults or deviation from moral rectitude; to chastise; to discipline; as, a child should be corrected for lying.

sometimes a child needs to be brought into conformity with a standard. correction remedies something wrong. correction helps your children to understand God's standard and teaches them to assess their behavior against that standard. not my standard, which is so much lower than God's, but God's standard.

Proverbs 3:11, 12
My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord, neither be weary of his correction. For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

Proverbs 15:10
Correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way; and he that hateth reproof shall die.

Proverbs 22:15
Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13
Withhold not correction from the child; for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.

Proverbs 29:17
Correct they son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.

when a child breaks the rule, you correct their behavior - restate the rule, clarify the rule, explain the rule, if there were natural consequences discuss them, etc.

3. punishment - strongs - to inflict with a penalty

webster's 1828 - to pain, to afflict with pain, loss or calamity for a crime or fault; primarily, to afflict with bodily pain, as to punish a thief with pillory or stripes; but the word is applied also the affliction by loss of property, by transportation, banishment, seclusion from society. the laws require murderers to be punished with death. other offenders are to be punished with fines, imprisonment, and hard labor. God punishes men for their sins with calamities personal and national.

Proverbs 22:11
When the scorner is punished, the simple is made wise; and when the wise is instructed, he received knowledge.

4. encouragement - to comfort

webster's 1828 - to give courage to; to give or increase confidences of success; to inspire with courage, spirit, or strength of mind, to embolden; to animate; to incite to inspirit.

children need communication designed to inspire and fill with hope and courage. your children know the pain of failure. they like you find things looking hopeless at times. you can help them assess the reasons for disappointment. you need to help them understand the promises of God. you can encourage them to find courage, hope and inspiration from God, who draws near the brokenhearted and contrite. this is probably the one that i need to work on the most. it's the hardest for me to do naturally.

1 Thessalonians 5:14
And we urge you, brother, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.

5. rebuke - strong's - to forbid

webster's 1828 - a direct and pointed correction aimed at the face.

Luke 4:35
And Jesus rebuked him, saying, Hold thy peace, and come out of him. And when the devil had thrown him in the midst, he came out of him, and hurt him not.

Luke 8:24
And they came to him, and awoke him, saying, Master, master, we perish. Then he arose, and rebuked the wind and the raging of the water, and they ceased, and there was a calm.

to rebuke is to say, "Stop that!"

a rebuke censures behavior. sometimes a child must experience your sense of alarm, shock, and dismay at what he has done or said.

6. entreaty - Strong’s – petition or supplication

Webster’s 1828 – an earnest petition or request

Proverbs 23:26
My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways.

Proverbs 5-7 is a lengthy entreaty to avoid sexual immorality

this is communication that is earnest and intense. it involves pleading, soliciting, urging, and even begging. it is not, however, the begging of a beggar. it is rather the earnest pleading of a father or mother who, understand his child, the ways of God, and the extremity of the moment, is willing to bare his soul in earnest pleading for his child to act in wisdom and faith. it is a special kind of communication that is reserved for use in cases of great import.

7. instruction - strong’s - tutorage, i.e. education or training; by implication, disciplinary correction: — chastening, chastisement, instruction, nurture.

Webster’s 1828 - to build into[structure – to build; in – into: destruct, construct, obstruct] to teach; to inform the mind; to educate; to impart knowledge to one who was destitute of it. the first duty of parents is to instruct their children in the principles of religion and morality.

Proverbs 1:8
My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother.

Proverbs 4:1
Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding.

Proverbs4:13
Take fast hold of instruction; let her not go: keep her; for she is thy life.

Proverbs 5:12, 13
And say, How have I hated instruction, and my heart despised reproof; And have not beyed the voice of my teachers, nor inclined mine ear to them that instructed me!

Proverbs 5:23
He shall die without instruction; and in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray.

II Timothy 3:16
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.

instruction is the process of providing a lesson, a precept, or information that will help your children to understand their world. as a parent you are dealing with young people who have large gaps in their understanding of life. they need information about themselves and others. they need to understand the world of spiritual reality and the principles of the Kingdom of God.

8. warning - strong’s – to put in mind, i.e. (by implication) to caution or reprove gently: — admonish

Webster’s 1828- To give notice of approaching or probable danger or evil, that it may be avoided; to caution against any thing that may prove injurious.

Proverbs 6:32
He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself. (ESV)

1 Thessalonians 5:14
Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.

Hebrews 11:7
By faith Noah, being warned of God of things not seen as yet, moved with fear, prepared an ark to the saving of his house; by the which he condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith.

warnings put us on guard regarding a probable danger. a warning is merciful speech, for it is the equivalent of posting a sign informing motorist about a bridge that is out. a warning faithfully alerts us to danger while there is still time to escape unharmed. an alert parent can enable his child both to escape danger and learn in the process. warning preserves. a warning is simply a statement that A leads to B. i am not so sure all my warnings are "statement". it is acquainting them with the sowing-and-reaping principle found throughout scriptures.

9. teaching - strong's - to make have knowledge, wisdom, or understanding; to guide wittingly.

webster's - to instruct; to inform; to communicate to another the knowledge of that of which he was before ignorant.

Isaiah 2:3
And many people shall go and say, Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob; and he will each us of his ways, and we will walk in his paths: for out of Zion shall go forth the law, and the word of the Lord from Jerusalem.

Luke 11:1
And it came to pass, that, as he was praying in a certain place, when he ceased, one of his disciples said unto him, Lord, teach us to pray, as John also taught his disciples.

teaching sometimes takes place before it is needed. it is often most powerfully done after a failure or problem. drawing upon knowledge of scripture, you may teach your child to understand himself, others, life, God's revelation, and the world. you must actively impart knowledge to your children.

10. prayer

Prayer is communication with God, not your child, but your children need to hear you pray and you need to hear them pray. We should not pray so that our children will hear us, but when they hear us pray they will hear our faith in God.

1 Peter 3:12
For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.

while prayer is not communication with the child but with God, it is nevertheless an essential element of communication between the parent and the child. our most penetrating insights into our children will often come as they pray. understanding what they pray and how they pray is often a window into their soul.