sheperding a child's heart - foundation 6

it's been a while since i've posted one of these. we are still doing this study in sunday school and i have been keeping all the lessons. so here goes. all this information is from sheperding a child's heart by ted tripp and taught by my sunday school teacher - who has 10 kids! the scriptures will be in a yellow, the lesson black, and any comments i have in green.

1. discarding unbiblical methods

a. unbiblical approaches us in many ways - books, magazines, "experts", friends & families

b. God is not only concerned with what we do but how we do it.

c. the human mind is the standard - "there is nothing wrong with what my father did" or "dr. "so & so" on talk-radio advocated this and it sounds good to me."

2. identifying some prevalent methods

a. "i didn't turn out so bad" - some parents just get mad & yell. they have "had it up to here". they threaten, holler, hit their kids & grow increasingly frustrated. sometimes it's done in the name of biblical discipline - they don't want to be permissive parents with undisciplined kids. they often respond with "my dad yelled at me, knock me around once in a while. i didn't like it but i turned out okay. the method can be confrontational and abusive. it can also be indulgent and permissive. the point is many parents unquestioningly employ whatever method their parents employed.

b. pop psychology

1. bribing - use your power as the adult to make bribes that encourage the behavior you desire. all you have to do is be creative enough to find a bribe that works.

is there a parent out there that hasn't done this? i admit i have done this. "if you behave here when we get home you can have a treat." it may have worked at the moment but probably not the next time or the next time there was an expectation of a treat at the end. i have to really watch this.

2. contracts - spell out an agreement that commits you to perform certain things if she performs certain things. make contracts that ensure that the things you want are done.

these approaches are superficial. the point of appeal in bribery and contracts is self-interest. bribery latches on to the evil in the child's heart and uses it as a motivation. the child is not taught to look out for the interests in others. the child learns nothing about being under authority because God is God and the parent is his agent.

these methods will not be satisfying to a parent who understands that the heart determines behavior. such methods do not deal biblically with the heart. they are only concerned with instances of behavior. the heart is being trained, but it is not trained in biblical motives or goals.

c. behavior modification - reward good behavior in some tangible way, ignore or perhaps punish bad behavior. while i am not against praising children for doing what is right, i reject the notion that children should be rewarded for fulfilling normal responsibilities. with each of your children. since the heart & behavior are so closely linked, whatever modifies behavior inevitable trains the heart. the heart is trained to greedy self-interest and obtaining rewards.

let me note in passing that biblical incentives and rewards are not an end in themselves, but rather the outcomes of obedience to God. there is temporal blessing attached to obedience. they God who knows our heart calls us to right behavior for the purpose of honoring him. he honors those who honor him.

I Samuel 2:30

"therefore the Lord, the God of Israel, declares: "I promise that your house and your father's house would minister before me forever. but now the Lord declares: "far be it from me! those who honor me i will honor, but those who despise me will be disdained.


d. emotionalism - appealing to their sense of emotional well-being (i.e. fear of being left -"straighten up or i'm leaving you here by yourself". some use this emotional approach in a kinder way - "it really makes me feel bad when you talk like that - you are hurting my feelings." or shaming a child).

i have also done this. the part where you tell your child that their talking has made you feel bad. it was in attempt to tell them how it makes other people feel when they talk in a rude manner. it was to make them think about others instead of themselves. maybe i need to rethink this and how i say it too.

this may drive the child to a lifelong desire to please her parents and secure their approbation. or the child may internally distance herself from her parents in order to be insulated from further hurt. whether the child is compliant or rebellious, they are not learning to live out of a desire to know and serve God.


3. evaluating unbiblical methods

most of these methods lead to superficial parenting, rather than shepherding the hearts of our children. they only address behavior. hence they miss the point of biblical discipline. biblical discipline address behavior through addressing the heart. remember, the heart determines behavior. if you address the heart biblically, the behavior will be impacted. changing behavior without changing the heart trains the heart toward whatever you use as your means. if it is reward, the heart is training to respond to reward. if approbation, the heart is trained to strive for approval, or to fear disapproval. when the experts tell you that you must find what works with each child, they are saying you must find the idols of the heart that will move each child.

i think most parents are doing the best they can. they certainly don't want their children to turn out selfish. i also think a lot of parents are tired and worn out and when they find something that works they go with it. i do agree; however, that there has to be deeper examination of what you are trying to achieve, what is important, what you want your child to really learn when you decide upon a course of discipline. all this makes me re-examine all we have done. i think some things we have done well, but a lot we have failed miserably. maybe something worked for a time, but in the end did i point them Godward or toward themselves.

there is another problem. if you address only behavior in your children, you never get to the cross of Christ. it is impossible to get from preoccupation with behavior to the gospel. the gospel is not a message about doing new things. it is a message about being a new creature. it speaks to people as broken, fallen sinners who are in need of a new heart. God has given his Son to make us new creatures.

another problem is character development is ignored. children are not being trained to make ethical choices as responsible people living in reverence for God. they are learning how to jump through hoops and avoid your displeasure. they learn to make choices based on expediency rather than principle.

it also produces distance between parents and children. children soon see through the implicit and explicit manipulation. they eventually come to resent the attempt to control their behavior. they learn to play the cat-and-mouse game with you, but depth of relationship and communication is lost.